Maybe I should start blogging again..

Planned to blog again since last year, just cant seem to put my plan into action until now.

Want to share about this statement "Too good to be true"

I'm really glad and grateful for all the friends I have around me, if you were to ask how God have blessed me throughout this 3years as christian. I would say He bless me by sending the right group of people and people into my life. It is "too good to be true" as well. When I look at myself and my attitude, I can hardly bear with myself sometimes. How can others bear with my weakness when even I myself cant right.
I guess what can really bear our weaknesses is love.. People may say patient but I don't think so. Cause when people say "I am trying to be patient with this person" usually is not in a good scenario. They usually pissed of by a person's action or attitude to the point where they need patient.
Patient can help to bear our weakness but love can change our weakness. I think that's why Love is Patient, to bear and love at the same time =)

As I look back to my life now and the person I used to be, and all my friends. Some have left my life unknowingly, some left bitterly, some left ignorantly, and some....I left them (hahah so bad) maybe I should rephrase that to, I distant with them. The friends I have right now, some are new friends, some came into my life unexpectedly, some never left since from the start. Those who never left not because I'm lovable, simply because they love me enough to bear my weaknesses, love me enough to change me to who I am today. There's this saying "Love without truth, is weak" which means, Love with truth creates strong love. If the friends around me say that they love me but not telling me the truth about my action or attitude. That is weak love, and weak love wont last.

I'm finally out-of-my-teenage-life-age, for sure God have blessed me so much in so many ways.
One of it that I'm really thankful as I have mentioned before, Is by sending the right person into my life. Friends that would love me with truth, help me through my struggles in life, and still accept me even after I pissed them off. This blessing is Just too good to be true.


#friends

..

typed the message... but i didnt send it out. perhaps i really have problem to express care and love to people, but why do i even find it hard to care for people closest to me? I don't know...

a friend of my dad passed away just now. before that, my dad texted me and said pray for his friend. My sister and i get this a lot from my dad actually, like pray for his friend that is sick and all. so i received his text, am not sure if i know this aunty. i hope is not the one that always came to my house, i still don't know who is it now actually.. So, i prayed a simple prayer with full confidence and faith knowing that my God is a healer and who is able to do immeasurably more than all  we ask or imagine. but about a few hours later, i received another text from my dad saying "my friend had just passed away". what really disturb me is not the bad news, is the way my dad text me.. if i were to count how many times i sms with my dad, i would say not more than 20 times (not exaggerating) even if he called, all we talked about is school fees and accommodation.. My dad is not a believer, he asked to pray and i prayed.. i didnt reply any messages to him even after he texted me that his friend passed away... im not quite sure what stops me from comforting my dad, maybe because he's cool and chill.. although im not at home now, but i can picture how painful my dad is right now.. cause i remembered there was once when i was sick (normal fever) my dad was sick as well.. so he brought me together to see doctor, and while we were sitting on the waiting bench.. as you know girls eye are spiral vision.. i saw my dad sitting down with his head lowered closest to his knee.. and i saw tear drops fell onto the floor.. I heard my mom said it was because one of his friend passed away.. sometimes i wish i can just show love and care to people naturally, like carrie she can do that like anytime.. i guess this is something that i need to break, too much doubt in me. not doubting God or people around, just doubting myself alone.. I don't like it when i can't act naturally when it comes to comforting, even if im doing it, it just comes very unnatural.. or maybe it will be just silence. before i write this post i actly typed a message to reply my dad, but i didnt send it.. so before i finish this line, i stopped and went to reply my dad... so i think for me to learn how to care is to start with sms/whatsapp.. =/

we were once broken inside

we know its painful
to look back where did you fall
when all these while
you were trying to cover it all
with pleasure that you think it can fill the hole

why don't just give your life a hold,
clear all the pleasure that you hold.
and take a look on the wounded scar.

question myself,
how did it heal so fast.
was it the Pleasure that
brings the wound to past?
or was it the Time you used?
hoping that this pain won't last,
thinking that it could heal you fast.

Either ways
is not the best
pleasure only gives happiness that won't last

Neither do time heals,
although time can cover your wounds
but it also covers your trust.

why don't just give your life a hold,
clear all the pleasure that you hold,
give yourself a chance
allow God to break the chains,
to help you trust again.

Take a look on the wounded scar
stop questioning myself how it healed so fast,
but have God to take control
to heal the heart that was once been tore.

I know its painful
to look back where did you fall.
But where did you fall
is the place where God can make you whole.

All this while we're trying
to keep ourselves armored
stay under our selfbuilt covering

But God came and removed
all of our coverings
so we could stay close under His wings

(34 Psalms of David)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed
in spirit.

who I am is quite enough

I was so unique, now I feel skin deepCount on the make-up to cover it, it allCrying myself to sleep 'cause I cannot keep their attentionI thought I could be strong but it's killing meDoes someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful, make You stand in aweLook inside my heart and be amazedI want to hear You say, who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love and beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than meFighting to make the mirror happyTrying to find whatever is missingWon't you help me back to glory
I want to be beautiful, make You stand in aweLook inside my heart and be amazedI want to hear You say, who I am is quite enoughJust want to be worthy of love
You make me beautiful, You make me stand in aweYou step inside my heart and I am amazedI love to hear You say who I am is quite enoughYou make me worthy of love and beautiful

Ghosting passed exactly a week already. Now looking back, still so unbelievable! =)
Got the script around the last week of December 2012,
Cast audition on the 2nd week of Jan 2013,
23 rehearsals and around 18 dance practices.

For sure God is fighting for us, although we have so limited time, resources and also our first time doing a drama production. Everything just went through so smoothly =) from the booking of Love hall, good weather to shoot our videos and trailer, availability and commitment of all the cast and dancers. God just make everything for good =) and He placed all these average yet amazing and faithfilled people in our midst.

Yes, we do face challenges in the process as well. Like financially, man power, limited time. But God really bring every pieces together, we prayed for volunteers. Out of nowhere, God sent us Macho Guys to the props team, pretty and energetic youths to be the ushers.

and not to mention, the altar call =)
I was really really nervous when our Youth leader direct the altar call. We have 5 shows, means Calvin have conducted five altar calls.. I'm not quite sure how he felt about it. But for me: the 1st one was fearful, afraid that no one would respond. 2nd was Grateful, glad that there is respond. 3rd was Grace filled, many young people responded! The 4th was Faith filled, some of youths friends and family responded and the 5th one was God filled! The Bmad dancers joined the last show's altar call, got 2 person responded and Sherwin's parents came for the show the second time, and they responded as well =)

Through this production, God slowly aligned me to his perspective. From fear to faith then to trust God. Quote from Steven Furtick: God does not always answer our prayers, but He never waste our Faith. Keep believing for Greater things in Eklektos, it won't go to waste when we have Faith in Him.

Nothing is wasted

choice

Yes, God gave us choice and freewill.. But He didn't just let us  pick the wrong choice and bang the wall. Every choice that I make, He is always watching.

When it is not God's plan for me to do certain things (it could be words that I shouldn't say, emotions that I shouldn't burst out, friends that I shouldn't hangout with, places that I Shouldn't go, sometimes even do/say things that it seems right to do it)
God did try to stop me. first time, second time...few more times... then He let me go, and I come back with wounds, hurts and regrets.

In Numbers 22: 21-35 (is about the talking donkey)
God sent His angel to stop Balaam to meet this princes Balak. The angel appeared and scare the donkey 3 times, just to stop Balaam's journey but it didn't work. Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth to speak to Balaam (still didnt work) at the end God opened Balaam's eye to see the angel.

Numbers 22: 32-33. The angel try to stop Balaam's journey because is a reckless one before God. It came to a point where the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and then opened Balaam's eye some more, just to get Balaam's attention. Isn't it sounds familiar? we all have plans for our own life, career, family and future. Always want things to go our way. But God also got plans for us.

Today, God reminds me detail-ly about past choices that I have made, and I realize never once was I being left alone. God is there in my making choices, and also there in my consequences. He tried to stop me, warn me, and then He let me go. Yes, I do get what I want sometimes. But when I don't. Ended up facing many consequences and regrets. Still God gave me one last choice, the chance to run back to His open arms.

GRACE

I can actually relate to this song, I'm not trying to quote myself with this song.. but there are times that running can be my best defense.. Running sounds like physical or maybe emotionally running away. but mine is more like running away mentally, don't wan't to think or remember it. It does work sometimes until reality hits.. and I always have this habit of breathing slowly to keep calm ( i know some people does that too). But there are also some people like to blast it out to their close one or maybe everyone.. That doesn't work on me, maybe my vocabulary sucks that I have no words to describe me..

I remember when I was Form 1 - 2.. I always have this fear of going to take report card with my mom. Because all the time, it turns out really bad. Especially going with mom.. Thinking back, I never really share it out to others how i feel all the time after report card.. That experience was sad and disappointing till the point where my mom will ask me don't study anymore.

That experience got me thinking and realize that most of the time, I chose to think away bad scenarios. Like the cliche people normally use to cheer others up "Think positive".. I don't like to dwell in bad situations or think ways to solve it, plan something out, or share it out. Cause in order to do those things, you have to start thinking. Running is the way for me to get away.

Today, it just dawn on me that.. Running away become so easy for me. Some things that I should not just run away like that, at the end i did.. I thought is the way to live better, easy going, no worries.. I don't know when did this running-away habit starts, but I know it had to stop. It's quite draining